Rating: R

Story: Harper has an embarrassing problem

Spoilers: None

e-mail me: maryavatar@gmail.com

Website: Amused and Abused

Note: My husband was deeply offended by this story. He has told me to warn anyone with a Y chromosome not to read it.

"What do you mean I can’t come with you?" the girl yelled, "Harper you said I was special!"

"Yeah babe you are special, but that doesn’t mean you should pack up all your stuff and move into the trouble magnet that is Andromeda." Harper was sweating: Erin was an exciting girl who had really made this R&R fun while Dylan loaned Andromeda out to some crazy sun-gazing scientific survey; but the thought of having her around full – time really freaked him out.

Harper had met her in a bar and they had really hit it off. She was petite and fiery and her wide brown eyes flashed mischief through her unruly dark hair. The last few days had been almost exclusively eat, sex, sleep, sex etc. Harper scratched at the rash on his leg, caused by an allergy to a local grass. "Babe, you know the Andromeda isn’t safe. I’d feel terrible if something happened to you".

"You don’t seem to mind putting the purple girl in danger" Erin’s eyes blazed, "That’s why you don’t want me around: I’m just a cheap fling and then you’ll go back to her!" She kicked Harper off the bed and stormed out.

Harper hopped into his pants and followed her, "There is nothing going on with me and Trance, she’s just my friend. Come back to bed so I can say goodbye properly. Andromeda will be back in the morning and I want to spend my last night with you."

"Tough! You are a rat Harper and I hope something bad happens to you." With that she turned on her heel and marched out.

Harper sighed. He didn’t know how Erin had got the idea that he’d take her with him when he left. She was very impulsive and hot-tempered. Perhaps she’ll cool down later. I’ll go back to that bar we met in and wait.

^^^^^^^^^^

Four hours and lots of beers later Erin slid into the booth next to Harper.

"I’m sorry Harper" she said with a smile, "I’m just disappointed that I won’t see you again. Can you forgive me?" She ran one finger slowly up his thigh and kissed him on the neck. "I’d really like to give you a night to remember."

Harper hoped he was up to a ‘night to remember’ after all that beer. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He thought as he pushed himself up and carefully followed Erin out of the bar. Fortunately his hotel was very close and they got there with a minimum of fuss. Erin peeled off his clothes, kissing each piece of skin that was uncovered. She pushed him back on the bed and climbed on top of him. The change of direction from the vertical to the horizontal had had its effect on Harper: He fell asleep.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Harper rose to consciousness with a monster of a headache, not helped by the buzzing of the com unit that Dylan had given him before he went on his trip to the sun. The noise was cut off as Harper grabbed it and grunted into the receiver. "Whaa’s it?"
 
 

"Good morning Mr. Harper" came Dylan’s voice, "I trust there’s a good reason why you are not here, on Andromeda, ready to leave? Some sort of emergency perhaps?" Dylan sounded pissed.

"Uh yeah, an emergency. There was an emergency. I’ll be right there." Now where the hell are my clothes? Harper was relieved to see that Erin had left: the last thing he needed right now was a tearful goodbye. He stepped into the bathroom to get rid of last night’s accumulation of fluid and started swearing. What was in that beer, battery acid? He showered quickly and ran back to Andromeda.

It wasn’t until Andromeda was on its way out of the system that Harper realized that something was wrong. Very, very wrong. It had started out as mild itching which had, over the course of the day, become a burning sensation. Harper was shocked to discover ‘little Seamus’ was covered in red blotches and peeing was something that involved gritting his teeth and trying not to scream

Oh great, another medical mishap for yours truly. There is absolutely no way I’m going to Trance with this one. Harper thought as he crept into the med-deck. He pilfered some broad – spectrum antibiotics and an anti – viral and sneaked away. He’d taken them from the back of the cupboard so he hoped Trance wouldn’t notice they’d gone.

^^^^^^^^^^^

Dylan was watching Harper mend a fused relay on the command deck. Harper doesn’t look good he thought I hope he’s not getting sick again. He walked over.

"Harper are you OK? You seem to be a bit uncomfortable there," he said as Harper shifted position for the tenth time in as many minutes. "Have you pulled a muscle or something? If you’re unwell you should go see Trance."

Harper grimaced at Dylan. "I’m OK. I just need to get this finished and have a bath or something to work out all the kinks. I’ve been crammed into here for an hour and before that I was crawling around in the core. Anyone would be a bit stiff after that."

"Are you sure you don’t want anything to help? I’m sure Trance has something." Dylan wasn’t sure but it looked to him like Harper was trying to hide something.

"I’m fine Dylan. I just need to get this finished. Which I can’t do if I keep getting distracted" Harper sighed and turned back to the relay hoping that Dylan wasn’t going to insist that he want to medical. He’d been taking the medicine for three days now and there had been no change in his condition. As soon as Trance went to bed he had another raid planned.

Dylan looked down at Harper for a moment and turned away, I suppose if he gets worse I can insist. I don’t want to force him: he gets so touchy about his health.

^^^^^^^^^

The next day Beka found Harper pale and sweating outside main engineering. He’d just been to the bathroom for another moment of private agony.

"Shit Harper! You’re ill again aren’t you?" Beka sighed. Harper always hid his illnesses until they hit him full force. "We’d better get you to the med – deck."

"NO!" yelled Harper, "Sorry Beka, but there’s really no need: I just spent too much time working on the coolant tanks. You get roasted and frozen working with them. I’m not ill." He cleared his throat, wiped his face and stood up straight. "See I’m fine now."

Beka put her hand to his forehead. He doesn’t feel hot but I’m sure there’s something wrong. I’d better keep an eye on him. "OK Harper, but if you’re hiding something from me I’ll not be pleased" she said as she left.

Harper sank back against the wall as soon as Beka was out of sight. The pain in his crotch was fading back to a hot itchy sensation rather than the mass of red – hot pins it had been a moment ago. It’s getting better; it really is he thought to himself. Or at least it’s not getting any worse. Thank God Trance hasn’t noticed and dragged me to med – deck.

^^^^^^^^^^

Harper was wrong: Trance had noticed that something was bothering Harper and she was concerned enough investigate.

"Beka, have you noticed anything wrong with Harper since he came back from his vacation?" Trance asked when she ran into her that night.

"Like the fact that he’s hiding something? Something that might be health – related? Yeah, I noticed. I wasn’t sure, he doesn’t have a fever or anything like that but he doesn’t look all that good."

"Are you talking about Harper?" Dylan appeared behind them, "I noticed the other day he looked a little off. He said he was OK and I let it go, but if you two think there’s something wrong too.... Perhaps we should go see him."

^^^^^^^^^^

Harper was getting ready for bed. He was undressing slowly so he could put off going to the bathroom for a long as possible. If things aren’t better by this time tomorrow I’m going to access Andromeda’s medical database and hope she doesn’t tell Dylan. He couldn’t put it off any longer. The harsh light in the bathroom showed him that there was no change: he was still covered in itchy, red patches. " Here goes..." he muttered to himself just as someone knocked at his door. Saved, for a few minutes.

Harper put his pants back on and opened the door. Dylan, Beka and Trance stood there with concerned looks on they’re faces.

"Harper we know there’s something wrong and we want you to come to medical with us." Trance said and smiled sympathetically at him.

"Yes Harper, there’s no point in pretending that there’s nothing wrong: we’ve all noticed it." Dylan reached out and pulled Harper out of his room and propelled him down the corridor.

"No! You’ve all made a mistake, there really is nothing wrong with me!" He struggled against Dylan’s grip but couldn’t get free. "Let me go. You can’t do this."

"Wanna bet?" said Beka. "You might as well tell us because we’re going to find out soon anyway" she gestured towards the doors of the med –deck.

Harper groaned and slumped to one side. "OK, I’ll get this fixed. Just one favor? No one ever mentions this again. Ever. OK?"

Dylan looked at Trance and Beka; they looked back and shrugged. "OK Harper, if it’s that important to you and it’s the only way to get you to co-operate. So what’s wrong?"

"I picked up something while I was on R&R" he said, "I met this girl called Erin and she’s left me with more than happy memories - if you get my drift." He could feel his face going red.

"Ohhh!" came from all three. Dylan was looking up at the ceiling, Trance had blushed a deeper shade of purple and Beka was trying not to laugh.

"Oh Harper. Why didn’t you come to me? I’d have given you some antibiotics and you’d have been fine instead of in pain all week." Trance looked upset that he hadn’t trusted her.

"I’ve been taking antibiotics and anti – virals since I got back and an immuno – booster since yesterday and nothing has helped." This is it: I am actually going to die of embarrassment. "I was going to consult Andromeda’s med – files tomorrow if the boosters hadn’t done anything by then." He climbed onto the medical bed and sat looking at his hands.

"Beka, we should probably wait outside," said Dylan. Beka who had lost her grin when Harper had told them about the drugs not working nodded and they left.

Trance was standing in front of Harper with a medical scanner. She was fidgeting and not looking at him. "I need a sample" she held up a small container.

Harper took the container and went to the bathroom. Trance pretended not to hear him groaning as he produced the sample. A few minutes later he reappeared and handed it over. Grateful for something to do Trance started analyzing it for disease – causing organisms. The results that appeared on the screen after a minute confused her.

"There’s nothing here" she said, puzzled.

"What do you mean there’s nothing there? Believe me there’s something there."

"Well yes, there’s protein and blood cells present, indicating tissue damage. But there’s no infection: whatever is causing this, it isn’t a disease." She looked up and went plum – purple again, "I’m going to have to scan you. That means I have to examine your um... the affected area."

No no no no no! This is not happening! "Can you do the scan through clothing?" he asked hopefully.

"Sorry, no." Trance handed him a blanket, "When I was a child and I was embarrassed I used to go and hide under my blanket. I’ll go and get the stuff I need, why don’t you get ready while I’m gone?" she ran off leaving Harper sitting there like a fool.

^^^^^^^^^^^

OK, I didn’t die of embarrassment fifteen minutes ago when I told everyone about this but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to die now. He thought. He was under the blanket with only the ‘affected area’ exposed as Trance scanned him.

"This looks like an allergic reaction. Are you allergic to anything?" Trance’s voice was muffled through the blanket.

"Just half the plant life on..." Harper suddenly had a moment of clarity: Erin laughing at him for walking through the pepper grass and handing him a tube of anti – histamine cream. "You’ll probably need this" she’d said, "Half the population is allergic to pepper grass" and sure enough he had been. The cream had cleared up the itchy rash overnight and he’d thought no more about it. "Pepper grass" he said.

"What?"

"Pepper grass. I got a rash on my ankles from walking through it last week."

"Did you do, er, anything else in it?" Harper could tell she was blushing again.

"No, but Erin was pretty pissed off at me that last night: she stormed off and I got really drunk. She came back and we went back to the hotel and I fell asleep." Harper was remembering the old saying, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’. "Oh hell what did she do to me?" Harper felt the hiss of a neuro-blocker and he went wonderfully numb from the waist down.

"Do you recognize this?" asked Trance. Harper peeped over the top of the blanket. Trance was holding up a pair of tweezers with a hair – thin, discolored, but still recognizable, piece of pepper grass in them.

"Oh God! Where did you find that?" He stared at the cause of all his pain.

"Umm.... In your underwear?" Trance said hopefully.

"Really?"

"No. It was...somewhere else."

Harper pulled the blanket back over his head. "I thought revenge was supposed to be served cold, not spicy hot!"

THE END