| Title: Thread Count
Author: Moonloon
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay
Feedback: maryavatar@gmail.com
Website: Amused and Abused
Notes: Written as part of the prime_not_prime ficathon, for chrystalheaven, who wanted first time humour.
Many thanks to rivier for the beta
It all began here
CLANG
CLANG
CLANG
"Oops."
"McKay, why did all the doors shut?"
"Uh. I might have accidentally released a synthetic microorganism into the air."
"Oh shit. I don't believe it, not again ."
"Hang on, I'm checking the database. We're okay: it doesn't affect living tissue."
"Great, can we get out of here now?"
"No, not until it's died off, which should be soon, since there's no food sourc... uh oh."
"Uh oh is not a good sound, Rodney, what's going on?"
"It utilises non-living organic compounds as a food source."
"And?"
"Organic compounds like cotton, rubber, silk, wool... do I need to go on?"
"It's going to eat our clothes ?"
"I'm afraid so."
"It's not going to eat my gun, right? So I could shoot you?"
"Ha ha, very funny, Major."
A few days later
"Look, I said I was sorry, okay?"
"I can't believe you dropped the life support crystal. You're supposed to be the smartest guy in Atlantis, and you didn't think that maybe you shouldn't have been futzing around back there when we're in the middle of a five hour flight?"
"It's only cracked a tiny bit. It still works. More or less."
"It feels like a damned sauna in here."
"I know. I'm Canadian, I'm not designed for temperatures like this."
"So take off your shirt, it doesn't bother me."
"The last time I was shirtless in your presence, you threatened to shoot me."
"I've mellowed. Anyway, I'm probably going to have to strip down myself soon."
Another week goes by
"F... f... fffuck. Ice... hypo... urrrr."
"It's okay, Rodney. Ford and Teyla are getting help. Come on, we have to... shit, this is a cliché, but we have to get you out of these wet things."
"Ha. F... ffuh... funny guy."
"Look, we both know about the body heat thing. Just let me get this off and around you... here. Rodney, we need to get really close."
"Oh G... God, you're suh... so warm."
"Not really, I'm just not as cold as you."
"Mmmm, warm. It's nice."
"Stay awake Rodney!"
"I'm awake. Wouldn't miss this. Warm Major. Nice."
Not too long after that
"Yikes!"
"Rodney, what are you doing here?"
"Major, I jumped into the sea naked, what do you think I'm doing?"
"Uh, skinny-dipping?"
"Congratulations, Major... you get an 'A' for observation."
"Why did you decide to skinny-dip off the same pier I'm skinny-dipping off?"
"It's the closest one to my quarters."
"Oh yeah. Mine too."
"So... I could come back later, if you'd like to swim in private."
"No, that's okay. Swimming alone in the dark probably isn't the smartest thing to do anyway."
After two days of careful thought
"Um. Hello, Major. What brings you here at... 3am?"
"Look, Rodney. Have you noticed anything odd about the last few weeks?"
"Odd how?"
"We keep ending up naked together."
"Oh. That."
"Yeah, 'that'. I have a theory; want to hear it?"
"All right."
"There are three possible reasons why we keep ending up naked together. Number one: coincidence. I'm discounting this one. Twice could be a coincidence, four times... just no."
"Ah."
Second possible reason. There is some power in the universe that wants us to be naked. I'm discounting this too, although I'm willing to listen to any arguments you might have about mischief-making ascended beings."
"I think they have better things to do."
"Rodney, I believe you're right. Which leaves us with number three. You've been doing this on purpose. All those little 'accidents'? You don't have accidents, you're a very careful and meticulous man. You've manoeuvred us into situations where we end up naked."
"Why would I do that?"
"Why don't we take our clothes off and find out?"
Wow, time flies when you're having fun
"Mmm, Major. Just a little lower. Yes... there."
"You could call me John, you know."
"I could, but I like calling you 'Major'. Adds a slightly kinky dimension to things."
"Wait a minute. You did the thing with the pineapple rings and the Athosian spice-berries, and you think calling me Major is kinky?"
"Just wait until you see what I can do with a bar of fudge and a bottle of Coke."
The End.
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