I always screw it up with Kaylee.  I don't think I do it on purpose, she and I would have fun together, I'm sure of it.  Dead cows in a jar aside, I do know how to court a woman, my parents made sure I was well trained in all the social arts.  It's just difficult to say the right thing to a woman, when what you really want is the man standing behind her.

No, want is the wrong word.  I definitely don't want Jayne Cobb.  I crave him.  I crave him like I craved those bad noodles and oyster sauce they served in the canteen my intern year on Osiris.  Those noodles must have been sent from Hell to tempt me, because three times out of five I spent the next day running to the bathroom.  That didn't stop me craving them, and no amount of crass behaviour stops me craving Jayne.

That stupid orange hat helped.  Until I heard how his mother had made it for him, and I realised he had a redeeming feature.  He is capable of love, and no one who is capable of love is entirely bad.  He had to love his mother to wear that thing.  Just like those bad noodles, he's a curious mixture of soft and hard.  After that I found the hat to be a disturbingly effective turn on.

River knows how I feel, and I'm constantly worrying that some day she'll announce the fact over the dinner table.  I can see it now, everyone is calming down from one of Wash's jokes, and River pipes up, 'Simon wants Jayne to rut him up, pass the potatoes'.  It could happen, I know it could, what would I do?  Could I laugh it off as just River's madness?  I think the crew has worked out that whatever nonsense comes pouring out of her, River never lies.

I was glad when Petaline went into labour before the battle over her child.  If I'd had to spend another night listening to Jayne and his whore I'd have gone mad.  I don't like Jayne; I'll never initiate any contact between us, but the sounds he makes in passion… they set my body to aching harder than anything has before.  Delivering a baby is supposed to be a joyful moment for a doctor.  For me it was just a welcome distraction.

I let one of the whores suck me, just before we left.  And I sound as crude as Jayne, putting it like that, but that's all it was.  I was hard and frustrated and tired, and that girl's mouth was right there and begging me for a taste.  I sat there and let her do all the work, sucking and tugging at the flesh that craved a much less refined touch.  I came though, good and hard, biting my lip so I wouldn't moan out something inappropriate.

Jayne came down the stairs as I was tucking myself back in.  He grinned at me, clapped me on the back and congratulated me on not being sly or a virgin.  I was so angry, if I'd had a gun, I might have shot him right then.

That didn't stop me watching his ass as he walked out the door.  Oh yes, he's bad like the noodles, and he's wanted so bad.

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