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I have to leave SeaQuest now. How could I spend another tour there after what I did? Oh Lucas, if I could make it up to you I would, but I can’t. Nothing can ever give you back your innocence. I was supposed to be your friend, damn it I was your friend. Of course you would come to me when you were upset and unsure. Ben Krieg, joker…an ideal shoulder to cry on. Someone who should have cheered you up. Instead I used you. I could blame the booze, but I’d be lying. I wanted you when I was sober, the alcohol just made it easier to reach out and take what I wanted so badly. I can still taste your sweat and blood when I smell whiskey. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to drink it again. I want to say I’m sorry, that it wasn’t your fault. I want to hold you and make everything all right. I want it to never have happened like that. I can’t quite bring myself to wish it hadn’t happened at all. Does that make me evil? To still feel pleasure over what I did to you? During the day I walk with my eyes down, ashamed and filled with self-hate. At night my dreams are full of your frightened face as I force myself into your body again and again. I wake up covered in sweat and come with your name on my lips. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to dominate you. I wanted to use you. And God help me, I wanted to hurt you too. So when you came to my cabin for comfort and I was drunk and angry…I did. I’ll never forget the look on your face when you realised what was going to happen. I’ll never forget holding my hand over your mouth as I pulled away your clothes. I’ll never forget the sweet pleasure of entering you, of pushing and tearing my way into you. I’ll see it in my dreams forever. I’m sorry Lucas but you were so good. Raping you felt like fucking heaven. If I ever got the chance I’d do it again. I can’t hate myself more than I do now…what would I have to loose? So I’ll leave. We can pretend it never happened and I’ll go. Away from you, from SeaQuest, away from temptation. Goodbye Lucas.
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