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I’m glad you’re going. Do you have any idea how much I hate you? I trusted you; you were the big brother I wished I’d had. How could you do it? Did it make you feel good? Did it make you feel like a man? You aren’t a man: you’re a thing. An evil thing. I was upset; I came to you for help, for understanding. You were always there for me before, Ben...what changed? I wasn’t afraid when you opened the door and I smelled whiskey. I knew you shouldn’t have been drinking, I thought it was good to have a secret with you, something the others didn’t know. I was happy that you trusted me enough to show me that you had alcohol on board. A little part of me hoped you’d share it with me. All my life I’ve been either indulged or ignored. My parents were proud to have a son with a genius IQ but they rarely showed any love. My professors all hailed me as my generation’s saviour or hated me for my brilliance. People my own age were just confused by me. No one who knew me ever treated me like a normal teenager until you. Do you know how important that was to me? And then you took it all away. I wasn’t scared when you tried to kiss me. Did you think you were the first man to make a pass at me? I’m used to people coming on to me. I was confused, annoyed, slightly amused…not scared, not then. The fear came when you didn’t back off. It grew when I realised you were between me and the door. It was an adrenaline-powered thunder in my ears when I realised that the man behind your eyes wasn’t the Ben I knew. It was so easy for you. I made it easy didn’t I? I froze, no screaming, no struggling. You held me down and pulled down my pants. Even then I still didn’t think you could do it. I didn’t think you capable of rape. Well I was wrong about that wasn’t I? Do you know what went through my head as you crushed my lips against my teeth with your hand? I thought about losing my virginity. Only I didn’t loose it; it was stolen. I might have even let you take it if you’d asked me again. I loved you that much. I’d have done anything to please the only person who made me feel normal. I’ll never feel normal again now. Am I fucked up? Not as fucked up as you, obviously. Anyone who can find pleasure in inflicting pain qualifies as insane in my book. And you liked that it hurt me didn’t you? You liked the way I screamed into your hand as you forced it into me. I tore and bled…did the blood make it easier to get all the way in? The pain in my body is fading, the pain in my heart never will. Goodbye Ben.
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